I don’t know how to write about something that is so life changing and hurts so badly. Something that over a month later still doesn’t quite seem possible or right or even true. Most days it still seems like dad is still here. Still in CA with mom and loving retirement. Still planning the next adventure and helping all of us kids with all of our stuff. Seems like he’s home holding a grandkid and snoozing on the couch or fixing the new bathroom at Tracie and Johns. But, I have moments every day that hit me really hard that he really isn’t on this earth any more and that I truly will never see him again or hug him again or hear his stories or his laugh. It hits in the strangest moments and I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

Dad got sick on New Years eve. He went to bed a little early around 11pm instead of waiting to bring in the new year. Ryan had been sick all week (with a negative covid test) and so when Dad got it and then mom started feeling it the day after him… we knew it was Covid and that we wanted to get them home to California where they could be sick in their own home and in their own state. Michael got up Saturday morning and drove mom and dad home. They had a fairly good trip besides dad passing out on the side of the road – he felt nauseous and when Michael pulled over to let him out he passed out and fell out of the car! His oxygen levels were pretty low and the motion seemed to make him nauseous. Michael was able to monitor him and get him back in the car and on the road again.

That same Saturday I drove Ryan home to CA and got him and Mar and Brin settled. Mom and Dad were both pretty sick so I didn’t even go check on them (I regret that now but it made sense at the time. I was helping Ryan and they just wanted to sleep)- Michael was also feeling sick and got his Covid Test that evening but he was the only one well enough to take me to the airport so I could get back home – THEY WERE ALL A MESS.

So the last time I saw dad was Friday morning, January 1 – he took a shower at my place and then came up from the basement bedroom for breakfast. He ate at the table with all of the kids and said that the shower didn’t help much and he was still feeling gross. On New Years Eve we did get him to play my new game, The Crew. We convinced him that it was like Rook and so he WOULD like it. He played with us and we all enjoyed that. That’s my last – last fun moments with my pops. He was sick and in the hospital the rest of his life.

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On Friday the 16th of February we had a busy back to real life and make time to play in the snow with Joel day. I remember making dinner that evening and reading all of the family updates that dad was doing so well and that all plans were now in place for him to get out of the hospital and into the care center that Cways family owns! We were all excited cause he was off of the oxygen and pain free. Now he just needed to get his strength up and be able to walk again. That next morning they would move him and we would be able to go and visit through the big windows and then he could come home as soon as mom felt like he could get around on his own. I was so excited because I hadn’t seen him since new years day and I hadn’t talked to him since the 10th of January – 37 days! I was hopeful to finally talk to him since he was finally feeling better!

At 8:30 we finished watching All Round Champion with the kids and were ready to put them to bed. I got up to kneel for prayer and checked my phone messages. My mom had just texted us 12 kids- She texted that the Dr had just called her and Dad wad gone – he was dead. She didn’t know what to do except to let us all know. I Quadruple read that text and then threw my phone on the floor! I tried to tell Ben and the kids but I’m pretty sure they were clueless. I showed Ben my phone and was able to communicate to the kids that my Dad had died. We were all in shock. We were not expecting this. A few weeks ago – I might have been prepared but now!? He was supposed to be coming home! We all sat and cried. It was hard and it was sweet and tender. It was amazing that we were all together in that moment and I felt love and peace for and with each one of my children. Ben was finally able to pull us all together after about 30 minutes and lead us in prayer and get the kids headed to bed.

When the kids went up to bed I called my mom. She was very emotional. I’m actually surprised that she answered but I know she was trying to be a good mom for me. I know cause I had just spent the last 30 minutes trying to comfort my own kids! So We talked for a few minutes even though I don’t think she wanted to. Neither of us could believe it. Maybe the Dr had the wrong person? It wasn’t even dads regular dr. It was just some first time assigned to dad young Dr guy. But you know, Dad was gone, and reality was trying to sink in. We cried. And cried some more and then mom let me know that Tracie and Christy were on their way over so we hung up. After that I felt like I should check on all of my Utah crew. I called to check on Kelsey and Shannon and Joel and Sean. They were all “hanging in there” and didn’t need to be together immediately. I can’t remember which other siblings I called but I wanted to call each one and I was so worried that Michael was at work, and they wouldn’t be able to get the message to him! and he had been taking such good care of Dad and he was just going to be so devastated!

I thought about going to Joels house to be with them but the roads were icy and it was snowing so I decided to go to Erica and Than’s first. Erica wasn’t home but Than was – and then Erica hurried home. These friends loved my Dad and it was comforting to be with them and feel/hear their love. Than immediately started making plans and before I could leave I had a flight set for 10am the next morning and Kelsey was coming with me! The weather was still icy so I sat at the Temple for a minute and talked to God and then came home to be with Ben.

I don’t think any of us slept well that night. Ben was so good to me and just let me be sad even though I know he was also so sad! I packed my bags that night and made a few plans. Then Wednesday morning Ben took over all things Mr Mom and Erica drove me to the airport and I met up with Kel and we headed off to Sacramento and then to Oroville to try to figure out how to live without our Dear Dad. 🙁

This doesn’t do justice for ending someone’s life in written form but this is how I remember it. It has been 40+ days now but I want to remember the details. I want to remember everything about my dad. I have more details to add here and in my journals. I will always love you Dad, Thanks for being a GREAT Dad, truly the best!

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